Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.