im all 3
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Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Bringing home a sharpie
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The USS B port
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.