The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.