I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.