Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”