I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand