Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.