ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.