I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children