[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
You Might Also Like
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Hot Hot Hot
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.