I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing