Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
You can’t outrun your problems…
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200