Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
can’t bark with your mouth full
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.