[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.