BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.