Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Air conditioning – not a fan
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely