time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Do not steal food from the science building!
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Unimpressed
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”