what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?