Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: