Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
You Might Also Like
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done