Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.