My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
The Backseat Boys
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.