[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Breaking news:
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait