I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
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If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
no regrets
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator