interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.