me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.