17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-