Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
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Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
The asteroid..
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…