Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
english majors be like furthermore
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?