Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
You Might Also Like
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.