I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
why no one uses midhusbands
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My therapist after every session
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Bloody internet 😳
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.