Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.