I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
You Might Also Like
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
#Caturday
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Don’t touch that.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”