I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Meow
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
