[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Wait a second…
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”