I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I’m being attacked 😭
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like