I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Looking at you, Jesus.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
😂😂
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.