Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
You Might Also Like
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Every photo I’m tagged in
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
cyclists
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.