Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Beware…..
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m