Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.