*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”