They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.