[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.