ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.