I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits