who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
You Might Also Like
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
☠️☠️☠️
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
put ‘er there pardner!
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Yup….perfect score!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing