Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
You Might Also Like
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.