The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
You Might Also Like
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant