Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Solving a traffic jam
This is always good for a laugh.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication