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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I’d love this…lol
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
The cashier just checked me out.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.